


Two Cups of Coffee Short of a Full Deck

by RiaZendira



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), White Collar
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-08
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:37:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiaZendira/pseuds/RiaZendira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter really hasn't had enough coffee yet this morning to deal with the surprise appearance of Neal and his new friends... </p><p>(Chapter 1 is Gen with canon pairings, chapter 2 is P/E/N. None of this strictly follows Who verse timeline, so no spoilers beyond Ten.)</p><p>Chapter 3 added. Please note, each chapter is complete in of itself, at this point any added chapters are just filling in gaps from the original story line for added amusement value. Chapter 3 deals with the question of Satchmo's whereabouts in Chapter 1 - well, in between chapters 1 and 2 anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
“Neal?” Peter froze mid-step and mid-first-sip-of-morning-coffee to stare in consternation at the man who had just appeared in the middle of his living room. Out of thin air. No wait, not out of thin air. “Neal--,” Peter repeated, slowly lowering the coffee mug away from his face -- hot liquids and hallucinations shouldn’t be mixed -- “What are you doing in my living room at 6 am... and why did you bring a giant blue wooden box?” 

“Peter--” Neal began, presumably, to explain his rather abrupt appearance, but Peter’s attention was diverted as a door on the blue box opened and a lanky man with brown tousled hair, wearing a trench coat and -- was that actually a pin striped suit? -- popped out of it, and cheerfully began wandering the room, commenting on random knickknacks and elements of interior decoration and sounding a bit like an outtake from an insane version of Antiques Roadshow as he did. 

A blonde woman in a skirt that was far too short for December -- even for NYC -- followed the man. She paused in her pursuit to glance at Peter with an oddly conspiratorial smile like she was trying to let him in on the joke. Or maybe like Peter was the joke... he wasn’t really sure and he still hadn’t gotten a chance to finish his morning coffee. Peter tuned his attention back towards Neal in self defense. 

“-- So that’s when Rose,” Neal gestured at the blonde woman across the room who was now close behind the wild-haired man, one hand pulling on his trench coat to keep him from climbing over Peter’s couch it looked like, “asked me if I could forge the Mona Lisa, which of course, I said yes -- but Peter, I told her I couldn’t do it without talking to you first, even if it isn’t really illegal to forge something _before_ it’s actually been painted --” 

Neal was still talking, but Peter mentally checked out again, instead reaching behind him to pick up his coffee again and chug the contents of his cup. Nope. They were all still there and the ten foot tall blue box was still parked right next to that god-awful vase the El had insisted they buy on their last vacation. 

Peter stepped forward and poked Neal in the chest. Huh. Solid. Not dreaming then?

“Peter-- what are you--” Neal managed, looking down at his just poked chest.  Before he could continue, he was interrupted by the appearance of a widely smiling man wearing tight pants and a practically glued on white t-shirt who proceeded to clap him on the back and turned to Peter, his grin increasing. 

“Well, hello,” he offered, charm pouring from his smile, “Captain Jack Harkness, and you must be---” The man began, only to be cut off suddenly by three voices. 

“Stop it!” The trench-coat-clad crazy man chastised, his accent clearly not from the US side of the pond. 

“Jack, you did promise --” the blonde woman -- Rose, Peter reminded himself -- started, her accent also of UK origin.    

“Hey! What did I tell you about flirting with Peter?” Neal demanded of the man, his ‘I’m innocent, Peter I swear’ puppy dog look momentarily slipping and turning into a mild glare pointed in the charming Jack’s direction. 

“What? I was only saying hello!” the Captain defended himself, punctuating his innocence with out-flung hands.  

“Oh great, another conman.” Peter muttered. Neal’s eyes lit up. 

“Wow, you weren’t kidding, he is good.” Jack admitted to Neal, an admiring nod in Peter’s direction. “Fine, I’ll go look at the decor with the other kiddies while you explain what’s going on.”  Jack moved over by the book shelf and joined the still unnamed trench coat man and Rose. The three began examining books, trench coat man gesticulating expansively about something. 

“Neal...” Peter ventured. 

“Okay, so maybe you better sit down and we’ll go through all of this again while you have a second cup of coffee?” Neal offered.

“Sounds good.” Peter turned on his heel and strode back to the kitchen and the glorious caffeine that awaited him therein. This whole thing had to make sense eventually. It wasn’t like more coffee could hurt. And possibly more clothing too, he thought, looking down at his ratty wash-softened t-shirt and his boxers. Yeah. Definitely more clothing after the coffee. 

***

  
A few minutes, another cup of coffee (Peter) and four cups of tea (three for the man Peter had learned was called ‘The Doctor’ and one for Rose), and a lengthy explanation from Neal (complete with a brief -- but eye opening -- peek inside the giant blue box) later, and Peter was convinced. Still slightly concerned that he might be asleep and dreaming it all up, but convinced for the time being. 

“Okay, so let me get this straight--” Peter paused to allow his thoughts to gather coherence. “The world -- Earth -- is in trouble, and only you,” Peter gestured at the three intruders that had him questioning his sanity, “and Neal, can save it?” 

“Well, if you want to grossly over simplify it, basically... ah... yes.” The Doctor answered, sounding huffy.

“And we have to go now-- but we’re saving the world on Christmas eve-- two weeks from now?” Peter continued.

“Peter, look, I had to draw it out to follow it all, but trust me, it does make sense. So, let’s --” Peter interrupted Neal before he could finish.

“And it has to be _us_ because we’re from New York, not London, so technically, enlisting our help isn’t crossing -- who’s timeline again?”  

“This is taking too long, why exactly didn’t we just kidnap the forger and run off with him again?” Captain Jack asked the room. 

“Because I--” Neal started.

“I thought it was because of the thing on his leg,” Rose offered. 

“Oh? Was that all?” The Doctor asked, sounding surprised. “Here, let me just --” He took a small device with a blue light at the end of it out of one of the pockets of his coat and aimed it at Neal’s ankle. One strange humming noise later, and Neal’s tracking anklet popped off his leg and fell to the floor, the active light on the side still steadily indicating all was well with the GPS. 

“Wait!” Peter ordered, his command tone stopping the three of them mid motion. “He’s _definitely_ not going anywhere without me now.”  

Neal smiled. “That’s why,” he answered, his tone fond.

“Alright. So, if -- _if_ \-- we do this thing,” Peter declared, “We’re doing it by my rules and under my conditions.”

“With any and all necessary precautions for violations of the space time continuum notwithstanding?” Neal quipped, lips quirked in a smug grin.

“Yes.” Peter stated, glaring a little at Neal’s tone.

“Honey?” El’s voice came from next room.

“Yeah, hon?” Peter greeted his wife as she entered the kitchen. 

“Were you actually considering time traveling without me?”  El asked, her tone disapproving.

“Ah... no?” Peter offered sheepishly. 

“Good.” El looked around the room, taking particular care to frown at Neal. “And you! Did you really think you were going to --”

“Elizabeth,” Neal jumped in consolingly, “I promise, I’ll never do it again.” He smiled disarmingly. Elizabeth glared. “Yes,” Neal replied sincerely, “I really promise. Can we go save Christmas now, please?”

“Yes. Yes, we can. Just let me get my coat.” El spun around and left the room to find her warmest winter coat. 

“Your rules, on your terms, huh?” Jack taunted Peter. Rose appeared to be stifling a giggle with her sleeve. The Doctor looked back and forth between them like he was watching a tennis match. Peter frowned. 

“Hey, she’s always my first term,” he replied, matter-of-factly. Neal grinned. Jack quirked one side of his mouth in a rueful grin and shrugged. Rose’s giggle turned into a huge smile behind her hand. 

The Doctor rose from his chair and brought his hands together with a loud clap. “Well what are we sitting around here for? Allons-y!”


	2. Fifty-two Card Pick Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One possible chapter in the longer saga - Or, how Peter came to take up rock climbing... among other things.

“All things considered, it was a surprisingly good holiday, don’t you think honey?” Elizabeth threw the comment over her shoulder as she slid carefully down off a boulder onto the grass. She flopped to the ground reverently and glanced at Peter, her head tilted in inquiry, her mussed hair a far cry from its usual perfect style. 

“I suppose it wasn’t... terrible,” Peter allowed, craning his neck down to see her from his boulder elevated vantage point, then turning back to see if everyone was still following them properly. The cliff face seemed to continue up forever, but Neal was just about ten feet above him, sliding down the last of the flat portion on rappel. 

Just above Neal was Captain Harkness, who seemed to be paying more attention to Rose’s butt a few feet above him, than he was to his own safety and where he was going. Though, Peter had to admit after having spent some time with him, while distraction was often the impression the Captain gave, it was generally a false one. So, for all Peter could tell, Harkness could be absolutely focused on both his own climbing, Rose’s “assets” and be ready to catch her if she fell - all at once. 

Peter shuffled forward and reached out a hand to guide Neal’s foot to an easy ledge. Grasping Neal’s ankle just below the slightly tattered cuff of what had, at one point, been a nice pair of vintage suit pants, Peter made sure Neal’s foot was resting squarely on the solid outcropping before backing away so that Neal could maneuver the rest of the way down the wall. When he was a few feet from the ground, Neal hopped down off the cliff face and landed cat footed next to Peter on the boulder top. 

El’s sudden gorgeous peal of laughter caused both men to spin and look at her in confusion. 

“El- what are you laughing at?” Peter demanded. She muffled her laughter with one hand, but the other was extended to flap uncoordinatedly in their general direction. Neal peered at her, then his gaze flicked to trail over Peter from head to toe, and then over as much of himself as he could manage to see. He blinked in sudden realization.

“Hehe. Peter, she’s laughing at us,” Neal said as he plunked down on his butt and slid off the rock onto the ground next to El. Elizabeth’s laughter just got harder. She listed slowly to one side and ended up curled on the ground, tears of mirth pouring from her eyes. Neal stood and made an Oscar worthy production of smoothing the lingering dirt off the seat of his nearly destroyed pants. With pronounced dignity, Neal then turned and with a showy bow, offered Peter a hand to assist his descent. 

“What am I, a pretty, pretty princess? Thanks, Neal, but I’ve got this.” With that, the foothold Peter had been relying on promptly crumbled under him and he crashed to the ground. 

“Peter! Are you okay?” Neal bent to inspect Peter’s condition.

“Peter?” El shot upright again, worry on her face as she scrambled to stand.

“‘M fine. Just... my pride.” Peter mumbled. He brought his head up and let it fall back against the stone behind him. “Ow.” He brought his hand up to rub the back of his head. 

“Peter!” El admonished. 

“I’m okay, Hon.” Peter looked her straight in the eye when he spoke, attempting reassurance even though his head and his tail bone ached. When he reflected (which he’d tried not to) on the past few weeks, it was hard to rationalize how he gotten from his living room to sitting on his ass in a field of wildflowers on another planet. Plus, his head hurt. 

“How we doing down here, kids?” Captain Harkness’ voice swiftly cut into Peter’s burgeoning pity party. With a thump that Peter could feel reverberating through the ground he sat on, Harkness jumped down and landed next to him. He held his arms out and Rose lept off the boulder into them. With graceless abandon, the two of them landed, giggling, on the ground near El. 

El fell back down to the grass and joined in the giggling. Neal looked down at Peter and shrugged.

“If you can’t beat ‘em...?” Neal asked. 

“Join ‘em.” Peter replied, lurching to his feet. In tandem, they marched the last few steps to where El, Jack, and Rose all lay on the grass, and flopped down on either side of El. It had been a long two weeks. Neal rose up on one elbow to look across where El lay, locking eyes with Peter. 

“You know what disappoints me the most?” He asked, his tone earnest. “I never even got to meet Leonardo da Vinci!” Peter couldn’t help it, he didn’t even try. His face went from solemn and understanding, to flat out ear to ear smiling instantly. El reached a hand over, grabbed him by what was left of his shirt collar, and dragged him in for a swift kiss. 

Peter enthusiastically kissed her back until she let her grip on his collar loose slightly. She gave his shirt front a conciliatory pat and then shot her other arm out to nab Neal’s jacket lapel and reel him in. Peter’s smile turned into outright laughter at the look on Neal’s face right before his wife planted what could only be described as ‘a big wet one’ on his favorite conman’s lips. 

Yup. It had been a long few weeks. But El was right, as she most often was, all things considered, it had turned out to be a pretty good holiday. Peter leaned over his wife, who was still rather intent on her task, and tucked his head into hollow created by both their necks. Breathing in the feel of them both, he was ready when they broke the kiss to steal Neal’s lips for his own moment. 

Of course, the moment was broken a few minutes later by a grating sliding noise from the base of the cliff wall. 

“Oi! What are you all doing mucking about down here for? I told you to meet me in the base of the cliff, not outside it!” Here the Doctor paused a brief second. “Also - you may want to look up right about now and RUN!”

As a quick glance over his shoulder revealed what looked like an entire village worth of angry people carry pitchforks and torches, Peter was inclined to agree. He helped El and Neal hurriedly to their feet, checked to make sure Jack and Rose were with them, and all together they rushed through the hidden door in the stone the Doctor had disappeared into.

Peter’s last thought as they slammed the door shut was ‘Huh, still not a bad holiday.’ And then they were off and running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also posted at: http://riazendira.dreamwidth.org/66429.html where more author's notes are available.


	3. Jokers Are Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wait a minute - where was Satchmo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for AmyCat who asked "But where was Satchmo?" 
> 
> Beta in a hurry by P.H., thanks babe!

See, the thing is, when Peter tells this story (very very rarely, and only to those who have met the Doctor, as he’s not fond of being called insane), the first question people ask is, ‘But where did you leave your dog?’ Because apparently the Doctor only tends to pick up human companions, and not generally those with pets left to fend for themselves? Peter’s not really sure, but relying on his own personal experience, this sounds like the Doctor.

Even though they only went on one adventure with him (so far?), Peter’s not overly keen on finding out why the Doctor keeps muttering ‘spoilers’ under his breath every time Peter’s made a point of saying ‘the **one** adventure.’ It just doesn’t bode well for his retirement years, or apparently his hair, if any of the other disjointed muttered remarks is to be taken seriously - but even though they only went on the one adventure with the Doctor, Peter is fairly clear on the fact that the Time Lord in question doesn’t so much like to plan ahead. That is, at least, not unless he’s actually planning behind, as it were. So perhaps companions with pets are just not a thing that the Doctor has really ever needed to take into account. Though there was mention of another dog that used to be in the Tardis... but Peter’s fairly certain that one was made of metal.

Of course, it never really occurred to Peter, El or Neal to just leave Satchmo behind or with a neighbor or anything like that. Since they were all going, so was he. They found his leash, grabbed a bag of kibble and took off on adventure, hoping to be home no later than midnight.   

Of course... that was before they found out their “dog” was really a telepathic alien from from the Twelfth Caninus star cluster of Zerbrox. All this happened moments after entering the TARDIS, when Satchmo yanked his leash from Peter’s hands and bounded off.  

Only one person had been more startled than Peter himself when the answer to grumbled “Dammit, Satch, get back here!” was a resounding “Peter! Do you know what this IS? Oh. My. Gods. A TARDIS!” that echoed inside all their heads.  

The Doctor’s shocked “WOT!?” had overridden any response Peter might have made to that. Peter had exchanged a glance filled with surprise with El, only to find her looking decidedly smug. “What?” he’d mouthed at her. She’d smiled further and shaken her head just a little. They’d all ended up closing around the Doctor and Satchmo, who were obviously engaging in conversation, judging by the Doctor’s flailing arms and the - could Peter still call him a dog? - Canine? - and Satchmo’s wild tail wagging and occasional bop of the Doctor’s knee with his forepaw.

So when Peter tells this story, he generally prefers to just let the rest of the journey be implied. Usually though, those few people that have come this far in the story will try and drag the rest of it out of him. They’ll cajole and demand or threaten him with asking El instead. Not that El will tell, no - she just sits there delightedly smug, letting Peter tell this particular story because this way, she never has to let him forget she’d figured it out long before he did.

Not that El had figured everything out, per se, but she’d apparently known that their dog was far beyond your usual puppy, years before they’d set foot on the Tardis. How she managed not to let Peter know this is beyond his comprehension. When he asks, she and Satchmo always share a look of amusement, El’s smile lighting up her face and Satchmo’s tongue lolling from his mouth smugly. Peter is almost certain that Neal has figured it out (or perhaps been enlightened by Elizabeth at some point when Peter wasn’t present - he wouldn’t put it past those two to actively conspire against him for their own amusement.).

But when he tells the story, and people want to know more, he’ll just smile at his conspiring wife, nod at his smug, yet still dopey looking, dog (of sorts), and get a smug smile of his own on his face as he remembers. Remembers Satch jumping around the Tardis’ central console, the Doctor’s gestures and rants to no audible return, Captain Jack and Rose looking highly entertained and yet still wondrous. Peter had learned that though they often feel they’ve seen it all in traveling with the Doctor, both Jack and Rose still get a kick out of the unexpected cropping up in entertaining places. And apparently, the look on Peter’s face had been brilliant. That, and Rose hadn’t actually ever met a telepathic dog up until then.  

That’s why, when Peter tells this story to those few people that get to know it - who didn’t live through it with him - he’ll just smile and end it with, “No, that’s not the story you really want to hear. The story you really want to hear is the second journey that Satch took with the Doctor. Of course, I wasn’t there for that one. So if you want to hear that one, you’ll have to ask him.”

And Peter will turn expectantly to his unassuming-looking fluffy yellow “dog” who will stare down his guests, tilt his head to one side comically, and bark. And then begin his story with the mentally spoken punchline, “ _You all have exactly the same look on your faces as Peter did when we got on the Tardis the first time..._ ”  and take it from there.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted here: http://riazendira.dreamwidth.org/62766.html where more detailed notes can be found.


End file.
